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July 17 2018

hrewannabe
01:58
In the moment I think about the road leading home. 
I think about how the pavement stretches when you come over the slope past the elementary school and the way the trees lean on the side of the road. I think about the feeling that driving down that road brings me. Its a melancholy bittersweet feeling now.
I'm not home but I think about that feeling all the same.

July 09 2018

hrewannabe
04:25
I should have gone running, should have ran out the door and gone to Montgomery and done trails or the other park. Should have felt my feet pound the pavement one right after the other instead of staying in and feeling sorry for myself the way I still do when its 12 AM on the next day. Wide Awake.
Should have ran away from these feeling of being useless, of feeling bad about spending money, about having to eat, about the way that my face looks, or worrying about the kind of clothes that I can wear when I go out to see my guy friends.
Wish I could run right now. But its not safe to go running at night and no where here has late gyms where I could run even if I wanted to and there's no where safe to run if you're a woman anyways.
I want to hit the pavement. Not as a body dead and on the ground, but feet pounding the way I do during the school season.
I want to wallow in these feelings, want to cry, want to huddle away from any and everyone I know so I can let it out without fear of saying everything. of letting everyone know how afraid I am, how fucked up I am and how everything around me feels wrong.
How sad that I can feel comfortable in this body and yet also so wrong. How sad that I could wish and wish and wish...

isn't it sad that I want to cry right now but can't that's the downside to not having a real room with a door. You can't cry or be upset, everyone can see it if you are. I find myself just going to bed and actually sleeping because everyone will know if I just leave and lay there on my phone.its stupid that I feel alone, that I feel drained that I feel angry and off and so much right now that I dont know what I'm feeling or how to actually word everything thats going on. Its like my emotions are on full blast and I just cant put a handle on them anymore.
hrewannabe
04:16
Maybe I'm sad and off because it's Sunday? Maybe tomorrow I'll start my period? Maybe its the way boys keep confessing their love to me when I thought we were friends.

hrewannabe
04:13
Sometimes I wonder about the way I feel drained. 
I love my friends, I really do. I adore them so much, but the main friends that I hang out with that are in my friend group are sometimes too much? if that makes sense...
Sometimes I think I need space from them, lots of space. I need the kind of space that cross country and track gave me. I need those other people in my life that make me feel... I dont know human? Like for one second, one heat of a race that I was on top of the world and nothing could bring my fragile self-hatred crashing down onto my shoulders. 
I don't really get the socialization I get when the season is over, I dont get the reassurance that if I work hard I'll get the effort back that I put in and its hard to know that the world isn't like that. The world isn't cut and dry, its not a gun held to the sky and runners on a line each one vying for glory.
I feel alone and sad, I've been feeling this on and off through out the summer mounths since school has let out, maybe its actually home sickness? maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm just lonely...

March 29 2018

hrewannabe
04:06
I'm tired.
I think Im ... I dont know
hrewannabe
03:56
I think I want to die

April 07 2017

hrewannabe
02:32
Ye gods
I dont know why
I call her when something happens,
Ice flows from her lips
like a waterfall
sharp, jagged and slow


July 10 2015

hrewannabe
21:01

A Recent Loss happened

I don't know loss the way my lover does
It does not creep upon me and jump
It does not wrap dark arms around me
and drag me down like it does him
Grief is alien to me in the way that he has felt it
He has felt it like a knife in the heart
the lost of a friend
and an old lover
My brushes with loss are small, simple
and his are a pit that seem to never end
How can I compare what I know to his loss
How can I comfort him when I know not what he feels
How can i say "it is alright"
to reassure, when I have no experience to give
To me loss is like a single hair lost on the wind
Once mine but no longer
Something that cannot be mourned because it is bound to happen
Loss is just that loss gone no longer here
and yet he grieves and I did not,
I did not grieve when loss took a loved one from me
I must be strange, the true alien
when he can grieve so deep over loss
I do not feel anger over this sadness he feels of
his old lover
rather a small bit of my soul mourness with his
but not to the same expanse
I will pick up his pieces and cradle them the best I can
Yet I feel it might be like holding water
worthless without a cup or bowl
~hrewannabe

July 08 2015

hrewannabe
21:51
What can I say about the beach...
It's sandy,
so sandy you'll wonder if the sand will be gone by this time two years from now.
Its wet if you're near the ocean and no matter where you go it's going to be hot unless you go in the winter, goodness give me trees and grass any day but keep me from the sand

June 25 2015

hrewannabe
19:28
I feel the need for waves
Of oceans turning tidal waves
Of water crashing to the shore
To rid me from the world
Not Strong enough to stand
Or even to remain on Land
Sweep me far from the shore
so I can rest forever more

There's a point where
once you've failed so many times
you wish to fail forever more
despite your want to not fail
It seems far easier to go ahead and give up
than to pick myself up again and keep going
maybe it's fear of hearing words spat out like some Gregorian chant
filled with hate and brimming with vile

and yet someone always seems to wake me up
to pull back the waves and simultaneously grab my arm
they somehow become the anchor and the moon at once
reassuring me that everything is fine
until the next time
until the sweeping need to drown rolls over me
like a wave upon the sand
hrewannabe
19:09
Those days when it feels like the sun should crashed down
Drown the world in flames and yet
at the same time ice should be enveloping the world
Its the feeling of a promise that you can't keep
the dread of something creeping in and swallowing you whole
its the glare of someone you should be able to trust
that you realize you shouldn't
but some how you keep on trusting them
its the fate of one who can't make their way in the world
forever doomed to walk the shadows
of those deemed more important and loved

June 14 2015

hrewannabe
00:35
do you ever have those days when its raining outside
it'll start
rain pouring down from the heavens
and then before you have time to properly think
"oh it's raining"
it done
over
finished
and you're left wondering if ever really did rain
or if it was just your imagination
until you go outside and glance at the ground
maybe dig your fingers into the wet earth just to make sure
you mind wasn't messing you up
hrewannabe
00:31
not so screwed on here but if I was on tumblr I'd be having a problem because my Icon over their is a freaking Flying Lemur from AtLA
00:25

tattletalestrangler:

international cut your hair like your icon day how screwed are you

Reposted fromvelvetsquiddleknit velvetsquiddleknit

June 03 2015

hrewannabe
16:45
dreams surround me,
baying at my heels the nightmares scare
and innocence lay far behind them.
Safe I feel the power
I glance behind my fine red stead
The sound of a child crying,
my younger years astounded
I grin and show adult teeth
and turn to my entourage and leave childhood behind me
hrewannabe
16:41
Sweet tomorrow
I watch the sky, eyes wide
Wondering on tomorrow
I think of smiles and sapphire eyes
and dream of his sweet farewell of "tomorrow"

May 09 2015

hrewannabe
20:50

I'm the goddamn sidenotes and you're the fucking universe

sometimes I feel like I'm the sidenotes and you're the whole fucking book.
You've got all the answers and I only have questions.
You make perfect grades in this thing called life, while I'm straight up failing.
Your the Sun, a galaxy, the whole universe and I'm nothing but a speck of dust on an eyelash.
I'm the kid with a pool noodle and you're the one with the goddamn boat.
You've got me following your every word,
listing to the drip from your lips like rain from the sky
You're perfect, everything
and I'm...
I'm nothing more than the footnotes of a long boring ass paper.
hrewannabe
20:18
He's got me listing to love songs
like some type of fool
Is this the kindling of a fire
or a thunder storm?

He's got me dancing around my room
and smiling like a child
when my phone goes off
I hope its him
calling me

May 07 2015

hrewannabe
16:57
So going on a date today
hrewannabe
03:38
So like somehow going away to college and coming back has somehow made me more attractive? like I come home and like two different people ask me out, which is like a big deal because I'm like trash(homestuck trash lol references!) and like no one asked me out in high school. SO I'm just like what changed about me that caused these guys to be all wow look at hrewannabe lets ask her out on a date! though to be fair the 1st guy is kind of annoying cause he was like "are you single?" and then "wanna be my girlfriend" but with grammar worse than mine, and just non-stop facebook messages of "hey" "text me" while the second was all "okay, this is a long shot(which it isn't becaue this guy is so handsome like dang dude I know you lift)...would you like to go on a date? it doesn't have to be serious or anything" like he's super polite and I've actually had conversations with him about actual stuff I like, and just like he's super cool!

but anyways I'm just like why are you people interest in me now?
is it the way I walk? or is it the fact that I don't wear sweat pants every day now? or is it the fact that I'm more open, talk more, and smile real smile since having gone away for a year? 
Like what is now, what's changed or is the water at my school that makes women strong, fearless, and capable?
I have no idea but it's nice, positive attention, though that first boy is getting shut down because he's very rude, but in a nice way
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